What do you want?

They have been coming on strong, God, the lesser desires…

I want to be lovely in form and face.

I want a love story.

I want people who have moved on, who are not here and are never coming back.

I want a voice in this world.

I want to have something to give.

I want to make beautiful things.

I want a place, a home.

I still believe these are the deepest longings of my soul.  I still think I know what I want more than anything.  But the heart is deceitful above all things and I am deceived.

Son of David, have mercy on my soul!  Create in me a new heart.  Tell me what it is I want and help me to believe!

“I will give you treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places so that you will know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.”

God of Israel…The one who wrestled with Jacob in the uncertain dark, in the lonely desert.  At the end of strength and the break of day, You heard his cry and gave him Your blessing—a lasting wound and a new name.  A supernatural story that he wore in the very ligaments of his physical body.  An experience with the God of heaven come down that saw him changed on the earth.

Wound me, Father.  Break me and make me into a holy life.  Give me a name and a limp to remind me who I am.  Bless me in Your way that You might be known on this earth.

Please don’t lead me into a place where I have a choice between my lesser desires and You.  Protect me as You have my whole life from that place of temptation.  I fear the evil in my own soul.  I fear, I fear, I am not strong enough.  Protect me from my own foolish prayers.

Change us, oh God, from Jacob ‘heel-grasper’ to Israel ‘God-wrestler’. May we let go of these fading things here and now.  May we stop trying to twist and control this earth by the strength of our hands.  May we instead let go and take hold of You.  May we reach high into Heaven and bend your ear, your heart, your hand to earth with all the strength our souls possess.  Your kingdom come, here, now, in the night and the confusion of the fall.  Your will be done, in whatever way pleases You. Though it may mean long nights of wrestling and wounding, wake us in the morning with a new name and a blessing.

Oh Lord God, give only what is good and pleasing in Your eyes  Help us to trust that You are stronger than our sin.  You purposes prevail.  Thank You for praying for us, for praying by Your Spirit through us, for we do not know what to ask for.

“I see the morning moving over the hills
I can see the shadows on the western side
And all those illusions that I had
They just vanish in Your light
Though the chill in the night still hangs in the air
I can feel the warmth of morning on my face
Though the storm had tossed me
‘Til I thought I’d nearly lost my way

And now the night is fading and the storm is past
And everything that could be shaken was shaken
And all that remains is all I ever really had

What I’d have settled for
You’ve blown so far away
What You brought me to
I thought I could not reach
And I came so close to giving up
But You never did give up on me
I see the morning moving over the hills
I feel the rush of life here where the darkness broke
And I am in You and You’re in me
Here where the winds of Heaven blow…”

-Rich Mullins

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